) Jesse did not appear to have learned his lines phonetically, and they had some complex sentence structures that I was so stunned that I didn’t write down everything he said despite being a French speaker myself.

Do not ask her to speak or write in French unless it’s ordering viennoiserie. Umm … Jesse Palmer speaks pretty good French? (Full disclosure: The author of this recap was a French major and lived in France for a year in college and achieved something resembling French fluency. I imagine Logan will find this out soon enough, but I digress!! Dick is plentiful enough that you do not need to resort to stealing someone else’s resources. Have you considered that Gabby, at this point, might not be into you and has put you in that section of her brain that all good girlfriends have labeled “BEST FRIEND’S BOYFRIEND - DO NOT BANG”? Because the last thing any good girlfriend wants to do is bang their friend’s crush.

I did not sign up to watch Logan, of all people, sit around in darkened bars with Jesse Palmer talking about how he just needs to tell Gabby that he has more chemistry with her. Men should feel like they are allowed to exist at the generosity and benefaction of women instead of whatever the fuck this is. By insisting to the men that it’s up to them to see whom they vibe with as much as the TWO BACHELORETTES, we’ve ended up in a bad situation where (some) of the men feel as if they’re there doing the women a favor instead of living in fear of being eliminated. What’s so INFURIATING about watching the show cut between Rachel bawling her eyes out on a couch in the Loose Cannon Social Club and men losing their minds over Gabby is it didn’t have to be this way!! We wouldn’t be in this position if they split men into teams right off the bat. Maybe this section of the season happening on a ship is fitting because there’s absolutely no stable ground beneath us. That’s where everything is happening, but what is happening? Am I the only one that feels wholly unmoored from this season and its typical Bachelorette tropes? We’re veering wildly between the institutional destruction of a nice pilot lady from Florida and men so attracted to a woman who has stolen Elizabeth Hurley’s ’90s wardrobe that they are willing to commit subterfuge to get close to her.

What’s … what’s happening here? Like, I know that we are in episode four of a Bachelorette season where you get the first trip and a flameout of a villain.

Media shout 4 time and date